Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Have you ever felt just completely separated from God. Like you are in some God-less vacuum? Thats where I'm at. The past several days I have turned my thoughts to the Lord in the morning while getting ready for work. It has been brutal. I feel like I was following my guide through a thick jungle, he went one way, I went the other. Now I can't seem to find my way back and I don;t know the way forward. If this is the dark night of the spirit, this is tough.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Harder than I thought

Our church suggested we fast for lent, no we're not Catholic. And we don't adhere to the customary fast of no meat, only fish. But abstaining is still fasting. But mine probably sounds silly to outsiders.

I asked the Holy Spirit what I should give up and I heard him say Coke. Well, I can do that I thought. As a smoker, I naturally thought that I would try that one. But knowing how difficult it would be I told the Holy Spirit that that would be a tough one. When I asked him what He wanted I got a different, more reasonable answer. I take the Coke thing to mean all dark liquids and caffeine. The fast will end Saturday at noon.

Fasting is now the hip medical thing to do I guess. Whoda thunk that God knows what he is doing. Yeah, I know, many religions have fasting as part of their disciplines. Whatever.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Ugh

Nancy Missler's writings on the dark night of the spirit brought some comfort today. Being in a dark time is a rather bleek existance. Its scary and frustrating. You never know if whats going on is actually from God.

I have been leading a small group at our church and I have been desiring to see them grow and move more in the Holy Spirit and the spiritual gifts. I am unsure if this is more for me or them. I'm hoping both. But this desire seems to have led me to a great angst of my own walk and inability to perceive, let alone encounter, Jesus.

If anyone has every read St. John of the Cross's writings of the Dark night of the Soul/Spirit, I applaud you. Nancy greatly simplifies it and makes it more digestable. It does leave out the great detail in John's work though. But if you walk a primer, her writing fits the bill.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

He aint no Heston

Watched ABCs Ten Commandments last night. Pretty good I thought. I was a bit cautious when I first saw the trailers, but I was hooked in the first few minutes. I've seen Cecils Ten, The Prince of Egypt and now this. I don't think it was in Cecil's, but in this one Moses' egyptian brother, yeah thats Sayeed from Lost, became general of the army. In prince of Egypt he became pharoah.

And what the heck is it about biblical stories that a director needs everyone to talk in a quasi british accent?

Of particular interest was the burning bush and red sea parting scene. You can always see the gears in the directors head trying to figure out how the heck to do it. You can see them thinking "what would this look like?" I like the Prince of Egypts burning bush only because when God spoke a little shockwave emminated from the bush. I like the voice of God in ABCs.

Best line, Moses: "What? He can talk to me, but I can't talk to him?"

Monday, April 10, 2006

I'm a member of a mainstream christian church, a sort-of mega-church in the making. It has its programs, org charts and mission statements. You can "plug-in." It's my camel hair coat if you will.

I came from a radical small church centered around the renewal. It was wild. But it was also a bit dysfunctional. I blame no one for the failures of it. There were a lot of good times and some bad. To describe what happened to me through that experience is another post. I will say that it was a disappointing and dark time. Its hard to think that God can disappoint someone, but that is what I felt for many years. My vision for my calling and future were gone. My passion and zeal vanished. I relocated before the church went under.

Now I'm not sure where I am with the Lord. I have been trying to figure that out over the past few years. I feel like a duck out of water.

There has been some progress. There is certainly more I will be saying about this. The journey is not over and the Lord has given me some puzzle pieces to hold on to -- some dreams, prophetic words and a while lot of determination.

First post

My first entry for this online journal about my walk with God. I'm not yet sure what will be involved. I started this as a means to do some writing and thinking out loud. If anyone happens upon this I hope they find something they can relate to. You out-of-church folks, wounded warriors or fellow nomads hopefully can find a place where you are not alone in your journey with Jesus.
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